Fuckwits That I've Met

Fuckwits That I've Met

Chapter 1

Today I met this fuckwit at the Noble Park RSL. This fucktwit said he was a Pool Champ. He said he played Snooker, Pool, Billiards and 9 ball. He beat me at Pool by 1 ball. He said I was intimidating him when I was looking at my pool stick to see if it was straight. He said I would never ever beat him as long as I lived and he only beat me by 1 ball. Anyway I've beaten much better players than him and when I do beat him I'll beat him every time I play him. He had his own pool stick called Suzi Q. I sat on his chair. He said it was his chair and that he had his name on it. I shook my head and said I was keeping it warm for him. Then he said he was a diplomat. I asked him if he worked at an embassy. He told me to quiten down so I qutened down. On a fuckwit scale of 1/10 I give him an 11


Chapter 2

I meet this other fuckwit at the Dandenong RSL. He said he'd give me enough wisdom to last 1,000 years. I said I had 4 wisdom teeth and that was enough wisdom for me. He said he'd give 1,000 years of wisdom anyway. He told me to read Finnegans Wake and that would give me 1000 years of wisdom. I told him to read Huckelberry Finn and that would give him 10,000 years of wisdom. He told me to read Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance and that would give me 100,000 years of wisdom. I told him to read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and that would give him 1,000,000 years of wisdom. He told me to read The Bible and that would give me 10,000,000 years of Wisdom. I told him to read Elric At The End Of Time and that would give enough wisdom to last untill the end of time. That quitened the fuckwit down. On a nitwit scale of 1/10 I give him a 12.


Chapter 3. 4 fuckwits for the price of 1
So I'm walking down the street and these 3 fuckwits ask me if I've got a 50 cent coin so they can score some weed. I said I didn't have a 50 cent coin but if they wanted to they could use my mobie phone. Anyway as soon as I gave them my phone they ran away with it. So I get my other mobile phone and ring the police at the police station and tell them what happened. So the police traced the call and find out where the deal is going down and bust the fuckwits and their fuckwit dealer. The only problem is their dealer is my dealer too so I can't get any weed either. Also but useing a trick called nice cop/nasty cop they are able to bust every weed dealer in town so I can't get weed anywhere. Fortunetly for me the police thought I was smart for letting them steal my mobile phone and ringing them on my other mobile and they asked me if I wanted to be an undercover policeman. I acepted their offer and now me and the other policemen at the police station smoke as much weed as we want. On a fuckwite scale of 1/10 I give the 3 fuctwits a 13 and their fuckwit dealer a 14 for dealing with fuckwits in the first place.

  Chapter 4 Michael Moorcock Pornstar
I met this fuckwit at the Noble Park RSL and told her I was posting my fiction on Michael Moorcocks website. She said isn't he a Pornstar. And I said no he's a writer and she said but he's got a Pornstar name. I said no he's not a Pornstar and that was his real name and that he hated Porn. She said she hated Porn too. I said I liked Porn and she said typical male. Anyway on a fuckwit scale of 1 to 10 I give her a - 100 for hating porn and I give myself a 1 for liking Porn.

 Chapter 5 Hi Infidelity

So I'm having lunch at the cop shop and the Senior Sgt say's Hi Infidelity by Reo Speedwagon is a great album. So I ask him if it's as good as Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd and he say's no it's not as good as Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd. Then I ask him if it's as good as The White Album by The Beatles and he say's no mate it's not as good as The White Album by The Beatles. Then I ask him if it's as good as What's Going On by Marvin Gay and he say's no it's not as good as What's Going On by Marvin Gay. So I said was it good as Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys and he said NO IT WASN'T and I said well it mustn't be that good then. So I ask him if it's as good Blonde On Blonde by Bob Dylan and his face goes red and he yells NO IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS BLONDE ON BLONDE BY BOB FREAKING DYLAN !!! And I say take it easy mate it was a rhetorical question and all the cops start pissing themselfs laughing.

So It's afternoon tea time and I say to the Snr Sgt is Hi Infidelity by Reo Speedwagon as good as Hunky Dory by David Bowie and he grabs me by the neck and starts chocking me. I give him the vulcan nerve pinch and he looses consisness befofe I choke to death and I call the funny farm on my mobile. The men in white coats take him away and put him in an unpadded cell where he starts to headbut things.

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