The Ignorant American (a poem)

I am the ignorant American Ignoramus is my name
I think that Neil Young sings A Horse With No Name
I am the ignorant American Ignoramus is my name
I think that Joy Division and New Order are the same
I'm ignorant it's true, it isn't just a fable
I think that Cat Stevens sings Cats In The Cradle
I am the ignorant American Ignoramus is my name.

s is for satire: If you like a post +1 it

s is for satire: If you like a post +1 it

If you like a post +1 it

My blog is my ho and I'm it's pimp

Yo yo holla holla players check out my blog.

Here at Target we have all your monthly needs.

Aww gross to much information Target. For my OS peeps Target is a department store. Aww gross

Happy Australia Day

Or India day if your Indian. That's right Indians celebrate their national holliday today too. It's because we are all Brittish. As Doctor House once said to his Australian understudy if you have the queen on your coin your Brittish.

If Looks Could Kill

So I'm in a train and i'm talking to this old guy about music and we both agree The Beatles can't be beat. Anyway he's with a little girl he's grand daughter I think and I ask her who she likes and she say's Pink and I say Pink Floyd ? So she gives me this look. I tell you if looks could kill I'd be dead.

Dr Pepper, Hudsons Coffe And Redback Beer

Bah humbug I would rather drink water form the sewer  than drink these drinks bah phooey.

If you like my blog tell your freinds about it.

I am working on a new storry sorry I havn't posted anything lately.

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I've changed the settings so that anyone can reply to my posts .

Fuckwits That I've Met

Fuckwits That I've Met

Chapter 1

Today I met this fuckwit at the Noble Park RSL. This fucktwit said he was a Pool Champ. He said he played Snooker, Pool, Billiards and 9 ball. He beat me at Pool by 1 ball. He said I was intimidating him when I was looking at my pool stick to see if it was straight. He said I would never ever beat him as long as I lived and he only beat me by 1 ball. Anyway I've beaten much better players than him and when I do beat him I'll beat him every time I play him. He had his own pool stick called Suzi Q. I sat on his chair. He said it was his chair and that he had his name on it. I shook my head and said I was keeping it warm for him. Then he said he was a diplomat. I asked him if he worked at an embassy. He told me to quiten down so I qutened down. On a fuckwit scale of 1/10 I give him an 11


Chapter 2

I meet this other fuckwit at the Dandenong RSL. He said he'd give me enough wisdom to last 1,000 years. I said I had 4 wisdom teeth and that was enough wisdom for me. He said he'd give 1,000 years of wisdom anyway. He told me to read Finnegans Wake and that would give me 1000 years of wisdom. I told him to read Huckelberry Finn and that would give him 10,000 years of wisdom. He told me to read Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance and that would give me 100,000 years of wisdom. I told him to read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and that would give him 1,000,000 years of wisdom. He told me to read The Bible and that would give me 10,000,000 years of Wisdom. I told him to read Elric At The End Of Time and that would give enough wisdom to last untill the end of time. That quitened the fuckwit down. On a nitwit scale of 1/10 I give him a 12.


Chapter 3. 4 fuckwits for the price of 1
So I'm walking down the street and these 3 fuckwits ask me if I've got a 50 cent coin so they can score some weed. I said I didn't have a 50 cent coin but if they wanted to they could use my mobie phone. Anyway as soon as I gave them my phone they ran away with it. So I get my other mobile phone and ring the police at the police station and tell them what happened. So the police traced the call and find out where the deal is going down and bust the fuckwits and their fuckwit dealer. The only problem is their dealer is my dealer too so I can't get any weed either. Also but useing a trick called nice cop/nasty cop they are able to bust every weed dealer in town so I can't get weed anywhere. Fortunetly for me the police thought I was smart for letting them steal my mobile phone and ringing them on my other mobile and they asked me if I wanted to be an undercover policeman. I acepted their offer and now me and the other policemen at the police station smoke as much weed as we want. On a fuckwite scale of 1/10 I give the 3 fuctwits a 13 and their fuckwit dealer a 14 for dealing with fuckwits in the first place.

  Chapter 4 Michael Moorcock Pornstar
I met this fuckwit at the Noble Park RSL and told her I was posting my fiction on Michael Moorcocks website. She said isn't he a Pornstar. And I said no he's a writer and she said but he's got a Pornstar name. I said no he's not a Pornstar and that was his real name and that he hated Porn. She said she hated Porn too. I said I liked Porn and she said typical male. Anyway on a fuckwit scale of 1 to 10 I give her a - 100 for hating porn and I give myself a 1 for liking Porn.

 Chapter 5 Hi Infidelity

So I'm having lunch at the cop shop and the Senior Sgt say's Hi Infidelity by Reo Speedwagon is a great album. So I ask him if it's as good as Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd and he say's no it's not as good as Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd. Then I ask him if it's as good as The White Album by The Beatles and he say's no mate it's not as good as The White Album by The Beatles. Then I ask him if it's as good as What's Going On by Marvin Gay and he say's no it's not as good as What's Going On by Marvin Gay. So I said was it good as Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys and he said NO IT WASN'T and I said well it mustn't be that good then. So I ask him if it's as good Blonde On Blonde by Bob Dylan and his face goes red and he yells NO IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS BLONDE ON BLONDE BY BOB FREAKING DYLAN !!! And I say take it easy mate it was a rhetorical question and all the cops start pissing themselfs laughing.

So It's afternoon tea time and I say to the Snr Sgt is Hi Infidelity by Reo Speedwagon as good as Hunky Dory by David Bowie and he grabs me by the neck and starts chocking me. I give him the vulcan nerve pinch and he looses consisness befofe I choke to death and I call the funny farm on my mobile. The men in white coats take him away and put him in an unpadded cell where he starts to headbut things.

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Time Travel

Did you know that not only is time travel possible by we are traveling through time even as we speak. In one hours time we will have traveled one hour into the future. Hey look at me I'm a time traveler

Support Same Sex Marriages

I mean if God didn't want hommos he woulden't have created faggots.

Don't be shy

Become a member. That way you can reply to various blogs.

Bigger than Texas

Did you know that Alaska is bigger that Texas in fact Alaska is almost half the size of the rest of the USA. That's one big state there.

Song Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ the god of piss
you wanna see a miracle how about this
he can turn water into wine
so him and his mates can have a good time

Song Barnsey, Barnsey, Barnsey

Barnsey Barnsey Barnsey Pope of Aussie Rock, Barnsey grabs the real Pope and makes him suck his Cock
Barnsey Barnsey Barnsey King Of Rock & Roll Elvis f'ucking Presley is dead and to damm old
Skinheads, Punks, Hells Angels wankers one and all different types of wankers that is f'ucking all
4th verse same as the first ect, ect, ect

My promise to you

I promise to try my hardest to come up with new and interesting stuff everyday so you will come back to my blog for more.

Holla Back Girl

I'm gonna cut your toung out, then sow your lips together and you ain't gonna Holla Back Girl you ain't gonna holla back. My shit is bananas BANANAS.

Favourite Songs

Abacab by Genesis
Ace Of Spades by Motorhead
Siver Machine by Hawkwind
Someone Saved My Live Tonight by Elton John
Something Good by Utah Saints
This Town Ain't big enough for both us by Sparks
S-S-S-Single Bed by Fox
Hey Boy Hey Girl by The Chemical Brothers
Black Water By The Doobie Brothers
White Punks On Dope by The Tubes
Slowride by Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Tom Sawyer by Rush
I'll Be Gone By Spectrum
Remake Remodel by Roxy Music
Jackie by Scott Walker
Most People I Know Think That I'm Crazy by Billy Thorpe
Rock And Roll All Night by Kiss
Living For The City by Stevie Wonder
Goodbye Yellowbrick Road by Elton John
Metal Guru by T-Rex
Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me by U2
Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing by Criss Isaak
Common People by Pulp
The Nile Song by Pink Floyd
Touch And Go by The Cars
Frankenstien by The Edgar Winter Group
A Day In The Life by The Beatles
Emotional Rescue by The Rolling Stones
Gaucho by Steely Dan
Lit Up by Buck Cherry
The Lies In Your Eyes by The Sweet
Ah Leah by Donny Iris
Mr Damage by The Angels
Parinoid Andriod by Radiohead
The Rover by Led Zep
Let Them All Talk by Elvis Costello
The Edge Of Reality by Elvis Presley
Tedner by Blur
Black by Pearl Jam
The Four Hoursemen by Metallica
ok i'm going to sleep i'll put up more songs tomorrow

Why My Storys Are So Short

So people have time to read them. Duh.

Fiction Midnight At The Hip Hop Club

In which our hero Lord Conan Arthur  Royal  is at the local Hip Hop club looking for a fight.

It’s Midnight at the Hip Hop Club and I’m there looking for a fight. I’ve been there for 4 hours now drinking pints of Guinness, smoking Cuban Cigars and reading about my ancestor Conan the Barbarian and I’m the only white chap there but still no one has came up to me to challenge me. Suddenly a giant Negro about 7 feet tall and weighing about 300 pounds enters the club and walks straight towards me. I say hello and ask him if his day has been smashing or just jolly good and he says I’m going to beat the living shit out of you NIGGER, then I say the dickens you will and I proceed to give him a right royal thrashing, then I tell him how much fun I had having sex with his mother as I continue to beat the snot out of him. Finally when the fight is over I spit in his face and tell him my parents didn’t name me Conan for nothing NIGGER. Then I walk up to the bar and buy another pint of Guinness and I go back to my table and light up another Cuban cigar, I close my eyes momentarily and when I open them my fly is undone and there are 3 negro girls 2 of them are sitting on my knees and the other one is sitting on my penis and I thank Crom that I always wear a condom on my penis ( you know just in case) anyway the girl sitting on my penis is doing some wild negro dance while the other 2 girls slap her arse and say I want a turn, I want a turn and I think to myself I haven’t had this much fun since I sold the Brooklyn Bridge to a bunch of Cubans in exchange for a truckload of Cuban cigars.

Nothing to drink

Damit we have run out of lemonade (pop to my American friends) and juice so I can only drink water cordial or wine and you know what I think about wine.

Why Wine Sux

It's made by a bunch of peasants stomping on rotten grapes with their bare feet. And French Champian forget about it. French peasants only bath once a month at best. This is why wine Sux.

Fiction The Secret Diary Of Paris Peacock The Most Popular Girl At Monash Uni

Chapter One. Hi My Name Is Paris Peacock

Hi my name is Paris Peacock and I’m the most popular girl at Noble Park High School and Monash Uni. The most popular girl at Monash Uni used to be a girl called Cordelia. Cordelia was a year older than me so she was her sophomore when I started. Cordelia had heard all about me because I was the most popular girl at Noble Park High School so when I started she confronted me. She said that even tho’ she was only in her sophomore year she was more popular than any other girl in the school. She was surrounded by all the best looking and most popular boys and girls and she told me that I had better join her clique and not even think about starting my own clique. So I dropped my panties and lifted my skirt and said who wants to eat my pussy and lick my arse? All the boys and girls lifted their hands and said me, me, me even Cordelia. So I said all the boys can get in line and lick my arse (because boys don’t know how to eat pussy) and all the girls can get in line and eat my pussy. After that Cordelia wasn’t the most popular girl at Monash Uni. I was.

Chapter 2 Brad Shit

My mummy Porsha Peacock (all the girls in the Peacock family had names starting with p like Pixie and Priscilla and Penny for example) bought me a Porsche for my 17^th birthday. When I asked her where the keys were she said I would have to wait until my 18^th birthday for the keys because in Australia people weren’t allowed to drive until they were 18, so I said what if I had my own chauffeur. Mummy laughed and said if I could find a chauffeur she would give me the keys, so I went on the interweb and googled  celebrity lookalikes that like teenage schoolgirls. Anyway I found a website that had what I was looking for and I met a Brad Pitt lookalike that I called Brad Shit. Brad Shit agreed to be my chauffeur after I showed him some nude photos of myself. I also decided to make him my personal arse licker and take him parties and stuff. Brad Shit was my first real slave (the one’s I had in the past were just casual slaves that I met at parties and school) but he wasn’t my last.

My daddy (who wasn’t married to mummy, he was just some guy that she meet at a rave. I’m very proud of the fact that I was conceived at a rave) bought me a pair of thigh high leather boots for my 17^th birthday so I had to go on the interweb and the celebrity lookalike website to find my own personal boot lickers. I found two guys, one who looked like Val Kilmer and one who looked like George Clooney and then I rang daddy and told him what had done. Batman and Batman said daddy? Batman and Batman I said in reply. So now I had Brad Shit my chauffeur and personal arse licker and Batman and Batman my personal boot lickers to go to parties with. I made Batman and Batman wear Batman costumes but not the masks because I wanted everyone at the parties to see how good looking they were and how much they looked like Val Kilmer and George Clooney plus I made Brad Shit dress up like a chauffeur. No wonder I’m the most popular girl at Noble Park High School.

Chapter 3 Paris Says

Paris says she's no 1 and Cordelia's no 2 so she's pee pee and Cordelia's poo poo

Chapter 4 Cordelia Dyes Her Hair Blonde

Despite my name I’m a brunette and so is Cordelia but one day Cordelia decided to dye her hair blonde. When I saw what she did I said oh my god Cordelia what have you done? And she say’s I’ve dyed my hair blonde, haven’t you heard Paris, blondes have more fun. So I said but blondes are dumb and if you die your hair blonde your brain cells become stupid. So Cordelia say’s oh well I’ll just dye it back and I say you can’t just dye it back you have to shave it all of and let it grow back naturally. So Cordelia shaves her hair bald but she still looks pretty. Like the girl in Star Trek The Motion Picture.

Fiction Rocketship Titanic

It’s all aboard the Rocketship Titanic as she makes her maiden voyage from Australia to Mars. Captain Jack, his girlfriend Rose and his grandma Nelly wave goodbye to their friends and family just before take off. The Rocketship Titanic blasts off and is on her way to Mars when unexpectedly she is hit by a near earth asteroid and a large whole is created on the main deck and almost half of her escape pods are destroyed. Captain Jack makes a snap decision and orders all the woman and children into the remaining escape pods but his girlfriend Rose refuses to go. I’d rather die in space with you than live on earth without you. Captain Jack explains that as the girlfriend of the captain she has to set an example. But can’t you just  hide me somewhere and pretend that I’ve left? Captain Jack realises that the time for talk is over and it’s time for action, he hits Rose with a stiff European uppercut but Rose is only dazed but not down so he follows it up with a roundhouse kick to the side of her head. Finally   unconscious he drags her to an escape pod and launches it back to Australia. He then makes certain that Grandma Nelly is inside an escape pod. He sees her climbing into an escape pod and she looks him right in the eye, points a bonny finger at him and says, I told ya not ta call yer ship the Rocketship Titanic, I told ya it would only lead ta trouble, but ya didn’t listen too me did ya? Grandma Nelly then slams the escape pod door shut and launches herself back to Australia. Meanwhile the men on the Rocketship Titanic slowly suffocate while the band play’s Waltzing Matilda.

America The Beautiful

Is it better to live in a country like America where you are constantly told this is the greatest country in the world to the state where you not only belive it but you take for granted that it's the greatest country in the world than to live in say Austraila were you and others constantly bitch about what's wrong with the place. I mean I know Australia is a better place to live than America. But maybe Americans are actuly happier because they are blistfuly happy because they belive the pro American dogma. I mean critics like Michael Moore are dissmised as left wing looneys but no one ever says Micheal is wrong for this reason or that they just say he's a looney. What do you think.